20 August 2010

Fear

We all have our fears. For some its height, spiders, public speaking or even death. Me, I fear failure.

Failure its a part of life and yet its probably one of my greatest fears. I cannot stand the thought of failing. No matter how hard you try, how hard you work, failure is sometimes inevitable. I can't stand the feeling of knowing that my best just isn't good enough. It is almost impossible for me to put into words how I feel, I am struggling just typing this. It goes further then just failing a test or even a quiz in school but being a failure. Not succceeding in life, and reaching my goals. Perhaps I put too much pressure on myself. I feel like a big part of this for me is not knowing what the future holds. I feel like I talk about this a lot, but its just that I would love to know where I am going to be in the next 5 or even 10 years. Perhaps its not about failure but about making the right choices and knowing that I have done the right thing and have gotten to where I need to be. I wish that I had a crystal ball to know my future, I do not need to know exactly what has happened, more I just need to know that I am going to be okay. I want to reach my goals. I want to make something out of my life. I feel like this internal struggle to become something is eating away at me. For the most part I just want to be happy. I want to have met the goals that I am setting for myself. I feel like not meeting these goals would make me a failure. Perhaps its not about failing but being a failure in the eyes of others. I do not really know. Its confusing. Life is confusing. I wish I had the answers but I don't. No one really does. I am not going to sit here and act like I know what is going to happen. Your guess is as good as mine. I feel like just being myself here has become hard and thats not why I started this blog. I wanted to be able to be myself, but then it turned into this whole other thing and somehow, someway, somewhere I lost who I am. I hate that. I hate that I let that happen. I want to get back to me, this right here. This strange, random, fun loving girl. I may no longer be 16, but 18 is just as great. I just want to let go open up and be me again. I hope that I can. I hope that I can put the cares behind me, the fears and the failures and work forward and move on.
Belle

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